Multimedia causing insecurity.

You have no idea how many times I considered deleting facebook.

But somehow you can't seem to leave this site without losing the efficiency of getting invites of events and thus a nice overview of what to attend and what not (such as birthdays, or other events your friends attend).

Yet facebook has this ability to make you so insecure.
What if you post and no one likes it or comments on it, yet you have over at least 100 friends right? Why won't they like / comment on your status then? Are you that uninteresting? See how many questions a simple post could raise (I said could, because this is really an extreme example of probably underlying problems).
Ok so your posts aren't a problem, what about jealousy. Example: you miss closed ones so much that you start looking at their timeline and then you see how other interact with them and wonder what they're like and suddenly you wonder how come your friends seem to interact more with them on posts than with you? Is that other person so much better than me? Their pictures are probably photoshopped etc.
Not bothered about that either? What about chatting, your have over 20 friends online, why isn't any of them messaging you?
No not insecure enough yet? Ok here's a bunch of pictures of events on your timeline people attended WITHOUT you. Why weren't you invited to his/her b-day? Why weren't you invited to hang out with your closest friends? They had so much fun without you, you weren't even needed.
The list goes on.

Comfort in loneliness.

Unlike the tittle sounding positive about loneliness, I'm exactly the opposite.

As mentioned before I have a relationship, one that went through lots of struggles.
A brief summary is that he fell in love with someone else before and ended up breaking up but after the whole "pink glasses" thing faded he realized how wrong he was, we ended on giving it another chance -many other chances- but he changed a lot: he's not that emotionally attached anymore.
And this causes me to see him less often then I would like him to -even though he lives only 45mins away and his school is 15mins away-.
Despite that, he's able to give me the most loving look when he is there and would always stay faithful, so why should I be scared if he just likes to hang out with his friends more often.
Shouldn't I be happy I could finally work on something else?

This is what's unfair about relationships - or friendships for that matter-.
When you're not content about something, other than relationships, you can actually try and do something about it.
Stand up for what you want and actually do what you want.
Of course you have to stand up and protect your relationship as well.
But you can't give it the same amount of attention you would want to give it unlike, for example: a said "hobby".
A relationship always has one that loves more and one that loves less (depending on what your definition is).
No one loves in the same way and no one's going to give it the same amount of attention.
And if you're the one loving more you always seem to be at a disadvantage.
Another thing I read and it could be referred to is that relationships are battles of who's the one leading and who not.
It's a pull and push kind of thing.
This is nothing to worry about though, this doesn't mean your relationship is doomed to fail, if that would be the case all relationships were doomed to fail and no one would even try getting a stable relationship anymore.
But what if you start thinking too much and built up a huge anxiety - which often happens in later stages of relationships, after the said "crush" as I would call it disappears and the relationship walks up to another kind of love.
Then you have to be able to refrain yourself from becoming needy, because it would affect your relationship and end up chasing your loved one.
You can't be the only one making the calls and making the dates.
No matter how much you need the other person.
You'll have to wait for your significant other makes the call sometimes.
And it builds up so much anxiety when you expect it to be sooner, they'll eventually call somewhere in the back of your head you know that: if they didn't care , they would've at least have the respect to break up with you.
But yet you keep up making scenarios where everything that's negative is possible and will happen.

I often feel like a lost puppy waiting for my owner to come and pick me up.
It also occurred a few days ago -yesterday- I was crying in my bed feeling abandoned.
I had gone on vacation for a week and a few acquaintances had messaged me asking how my trip was and I hadn't heard of my boyfriend , at least not out of his own. I had once again given in and messaged him - I should stop doing that-.
And when I came back Sunday I expected him to pass by like he said he would when I left.
But he forgot. Annoyed how I was, I checked his facebook and noticed he had added a girl with no mutual friends.
And that's where it had gone wrong actually. I shouldn't have stalked his page or friends for that matter -which is exactly one of the reasons I hate facebook, being able to stalk perfectly and giving you the temptation of doing so-.
I immediately attacked him with questions where he met her, and how, and with each answer he gave me more questions popped up.
'So he doesn't forget to add a girl that asks him to, but forgets me?'
That's what I kept thinking - and still am.
Eventually he got angry and felt accused of things he didn't do so he went offline to play a game of his.
But truth is after visiting his school out of impulse I realized I had nothing to worry about.
Yes, he didn't seem quite happy to see me at first, but later on I saw his face soften and saw him look at me with one of his caring and loving looks.
In the end I wasn't even the one to bring up the issue, he was the one that apologized about yesterday, explaining me he just couldn't stand me accusing him of something he did and never would do.

So everything seems all and well now right?
Wrong again, now another fear built up causing me not to sleep.
I came back from vacation but he hadn't made plans to see me, instead his week seems packed with activities with friends.
Did he even miss me etc.
And so the endless cycle of worrying and questioning begins.

Truth is you need to base your life and happiness and not what could go wrong.
If it goes wrong you should be able to stand up on your feet and realize it ain't the end.
I personally would love to only have one relationship in my whole life - you know like true love in movies-.
But I should be able to face the possibility that this might not be the case.

Intro.

Hello and welcome to my blog!

I'm a nineteen year old girl -soon twenty-.
I've failed school countless of times, I'm still not attending university and struggling to even have the motivation to get there.
I'm currently in a relationship full of doubts. Not doubts on him caring for me but him thinking enough of me etc.
At my dad's place I fail to even get to sleep because of fears of demons on ghosts trying to kill me at night -oh silly me-.
I'm struggling to believe if I'm depressed and whether I'll ever find happiness.
I have no hobbies are something that really picks my interest.
The amount of failed friendships I actually worked upon with all I could are countless.
I fear that my parents have no eye for me but only for my younger sister who seems to be more beautiful than me, more talented, more dedicated, despite her rather aggressive and rude behavior is surrounded by attention, etc.
Summary: I'm a girl with lots of fears and struggles. Hence the tittle of this blog.

Why am I telling you all of this?
First of all because I spend my time reading on how to get over such fears and stumbled upon an article that told me in order to get more confidence I should note down what bothered me and try and fix it.
I haven't thought of making a blog until now, I haven't been able to sleep lately because of the fears and spend my time awake crying about the silliest things.
So here I finally am, writing his blog at 4am, better do something productive -taking action- than staying awake wondering what I could do and end up doing absolutely nothing and getting no sleep on top of that.
A second reason is just, I found comfort in knowing I'm not the only one feeling like this.
And I'm a hundred pro cent sure others feel exactly like I am.

I swear this article sounded much better in my mind but hey, I tried.